Vulnerabillity in marriage

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NOW THE LORD GOD SAID. IT IS NOT GOOD (SUFFICIENT, SATISFACTORY) THAT THE MAN SHOULD BE ALONE; I WILL MAKE HIM A HELPER MEET (SUITABLE, ADAPTED, COMPLEMENTARY) FOR HIM.

Genesis 2:18 (AMP.)

The very first thing God declared "not good" was being alone. WE were not created to live in isolation, for the pain of it is insufferable. Loneliness carries with it one of the greatest sources of pain in life. The choice to be married is a decision not to live in isolation and loneliness. Some who are married, however, eventually do live in loneliness. This loneliness is overwhelming. Be sure you are able to connect, relate and be vulnerable. Accept the fact that being open carries with it a risk-of being hurt.

There is a risk of being misunderstood-but if so, it can be resolved. There is the a risk of not being accepted perhaps, but perhaps not. There is a risk of being laughed at true, but the other person usually laughs with you. There is the risk of having to face who you really are that's good, but it is better for you to confront it before marriage than to surprise your partner with your insecurities after marriage.

when you open the door of your heart and mind to reveal to your partner who you really are, and perhaps what you  have never revealed before, you have taken a step to forbid loneliness to seep into your relationship. When each of you shares this openly with one another, treat what you have received as special and fragile. if you don't risk, the alternative is to live you life in fear and hiding. We weren't called to have that kind of lifestyle, especially in marriage. remember Adam? He tried to hide from God. It didin't work in marriage either.

Being vulnerable and open with your partner holds the potential for much joy, many hopes, much satisfaction and happiness, much laughter, much comfort, support and a fulfilling life. Why would anyone want to avoid it?

Being vulnerable and open is like transversing a path through a dimly lit narrow cave, and then discovering a brilliantly illuminated cavern containing an open treasure chest sitting in the middle of the floor. As you remove each item, you discover something new. The chest is never emptied.

That's the way your marriage is to become. A stream of constant discoveries that enhances you. your partner and your relationship and it begins with you. Never hold back reveal. After all, isn't that what God did as He sought you ?

You can change

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THE WORD OF GOD IS LIVING AND ACTIVE. SHARPER THAN ANY DOUBLE-EDGED SWORD, IT PENETRATES EVEN TO DIVIDING SOUL AND SPIRIT, JOINTS AND MARROW; IT JUDGES THE THOUGHTS AND ATITUDES OD THE HEART.

Hebrews 4:12

"I can't change. I've tried and tried. heaven only knows it's impossible. I'm stuck." many people actually believe those words. they are frustrated with their efforts. they try not to get upset at others, or blow up, but they can't seem to change. they have destructive habits. yet God's word emphatically says we can change.

one area in particular that is a source of turmoil for many of us is our thought lives. what goes on in our minds is often a battleground we would not want anyone to view if it were played on a video! we have negative thoughts about ourselves, friends, employers or employees and even our partners. we struggle with lust, envy, jealousy and pride. we know we want to change for the better, yet we do not seem to change much or as fast as we want.

you will change, however; you can change. you are in for a radical change. scripture says that because the Holy Spirit dwells in your heart, you will be transformed: "We, who with unveiled faces all reflect the Lord's glory, are being transformed into his likeness with ever -increasing glory which comes from the Lord, who is the spirit" (2 Cor.3:18)

Change is possible for those of us who are believers in Christ Jesus, our faith is an inward transformation, not just an outward conformity. When Paul says, "My little children, of whom I travail in birth again until Christ be formed in you" (Gal. 4:19, KJV. emphasis added). he is telling us that we have to let Jesus Christ live in and through us.

In Ephesians 4:23,24, we are told to "be renewed in the spirit of your mind ;..put on the new man, which after God is created in righteousness and true holiness" (KJV). the new man has to be put on from the inside. we are able to put on the new man because God has placed Jesus Christ within us. we are to let Him work within us. that means we must give Him access to our memory banks and our past experiences that need to be relinquished.

look again at Hebrews 4:12 \. the word "active" means "energize". God's Word energizes us for change. How? the opostle Paul says."We demolish arguments and every pretension that sets thought to make it obedient to Christ" we take captive every thought to make it obedient to Christ" (2 Cor.10:5)

Yet transformation takes time. it is slow. Sometime you focus so much on what you want to become you fail to see the progress. if you have ever grown fruit trees or berries you know what I mean. at first some new growth appears on the plant, then a blossom turns into the fruits. Then the colors change. Although the fruit may have the right color, it is bitter if you pick it too soon. it has not become mature. You have to wait on it. Like wise, you have to wait on yourself.

as child, perhaps you played a game called "capture the flag." as adults, we need to engage in capturing our thoughts. why ? because that is usually where negative feelings begin and communications problems start.

how can we capture our thoughts? By memorizing scripture. What change do you need to make that will make a difference in your upcoming marriage? what thoughts would you like to be rid of today? Write them down. Ask God to make you aware of when those thoughts pop into your mind write down the thoughts you would like to gave in place of the old ones. Read them aloud several times a day, and watch out-it will put you on the road to change!!

Don't Sweat the Small Stuff

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A MAN'S WISDOM GIVES HIM PATIENCE; IT IS TO HIS GLORY TO OVERLOOK AN OFFENSE

Proverbs 19 : 11

How will you respond when your partner does any of the following :

• forgets to write down a phone message or forgets to phone about being 15 minutes late for dinner.

• Doesn't put down the garage door when leaving for work or doesn't note written checks in the register.

• Eats more ice cream than you would prefer or spends more time hammering away in the workshop than you would like.

• Talks on the telephone too much or thinks you need more exercise.

• Likes to go shopping, but never calls ahead to see if the store carries the product desires or hates to go shopping and never lends a hand in buying groceries or household items.

This is small stuff that can become big stuff. in every marriage, each day produces many small offenses. You will need to learn to ignore the little offenses to make your marriage work. the more you attack every small infraction on your self-styled rules and regulations, the less room you will find for love and affection in your marriage. It helps to laugh more and legislate less.

you need to be patient with one another. Humans are odd creatures. Not only are our partners funny ducks at times, but you, too, have many quirks that can grate on the nerves of your partner. you have many weakness your spouse will not see in the early days of your honeymoon. we have many habits that can be taken as insensitivity. God's Word offers some more advice So don't criticize each other anymore. try instead to live in such a way that you will never make your brother stumble by letting him see you doing something he thinks is wrong" (Rom. 14:13, TLB).

wisdom leads to patience-to letting the little offenses go. A man's wisdom gives him patience; it is his glory to overlook an offense" (Prov. 19;11). To grow in your marriage, you will need to grow in maturity and wisdom. Overlooking an offense is not the work of the spritually immature, each day couples have countless conflicts, most of which would never happen if people would let the little ones go. pride, however, gets in the way.

pride leads to impatience. pride is the fruits of folly. folly is the opposite of wisdom. some people strut about, puffed up in their self-importance, pushing too hard and telling people off. it is better to be humble and let the little ones go. Don't sweat the small stuff. it is not worth it.

Notice the opening verse : "It is to his glory to overlook an offense"-the individual's glory, not God's Glory. this is a rare occasion when glory is ascribed to people. The principle of overlooking offense is so important to our Lord that He lets people receive glory when they do so. this is not the same kind of glory by letting the little ones go.

The secret to this principle is always to strive to raise the threshold of what you see as "little". In other words, constantly try to let bigger and bigger offense become smaller and smaller. If your partner's smallest offense that grates your nerves is not putting down the garage door, try putting it down yourself and letting it go. Is really a major problem? if so, perhaps you could approach it differently.

The Gift of Listening

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DEAR BROTHERS, DON'T EVER FORGET THAT IT IS BEST TO LISTEN MUCH, SPEAK LITTLE, AND NOT BECOME ANGRY.

James 1 ; 19 (TLB)

UNDERSTAND (THIS), MY BELOVED BRETHREN. LET EVERY MAN BE QUICK TO HEAR (A READY LISTENER), SLOW TO SPEAK, SLOW TO TAKE OFFENSE AND TO GET ANGRY

James 1:19 (Amp)

How well would your partner say you listen? you have probably not asked him or her, have you? would your partner say you are a ready listener, a reluctant listener or a selective listener? If you don't know, ask. while you are at it, ask, "How could I be a better listener?" As he or she shares, keep in mind this passage: "If you profit from constructive criticism you will be elected to be wise men's hall of fame. But to reject criticism is to harm yourself and your own best interest" (Prov. 15:31,32,TLB).

have you ever said to your future partner, "Yes, I hear you” probably. But hearing isn't listening. Consider this: Hearing is basically to gain content or information for your own purposes. Listening is caring for and being empathetic toward the person who is talking. Hearing means that you are concerned about what is going on inside you during the conversation. Listening means you are trying to understand the feelings of your partner and are listening for the person's sake. Think about this. Listening means when your partner is talking to you:

• You are thinking about what you are going to say when he or she stops talking. You are not busy formulating your response. You are concentrating on what is being said and are putting into practice Proverbs 18:13

• You are completely accepting what is being said without judging what he or she is saying or how he or she says it you may fail to hear the message if you are thinking that you don't like your partner's tone of voice or the words he or she is using. You may react on the spot to the tone and content and miss the meaning. Perhaps he or she hasn't said it in the best way; but why not listen and then come back later then both of you are calm and discuss the proper wording and tone of voice? Acceptance does not mean you have to agree with the content of what is said. Rather, it means you understand that what your partner is saying is something he or she feels.

• You should be able to repeat what your partner has said and what you think he or she was feeling while speaking to you. real listening implies an obvious interest in your partner's feelings and opinions and an attempt to understand them from his or her perspective.

You can learn to listen, for it is a skill to be learned. your mind and ears can be taught to hear more clearly. Your eyes can be taught to see more clearly. But the reverse is also true. You can learn to hear with your ears. Jesus said :

" There I speak to them in parables; because while seeing they do not see, and while hearing they do not hear, nor do they understand. And in their case the prophecy of isaiah is being fulfilled, which says, 'You will keep on hearing, but will not understand; and you will keep on seeing, but will not perceive; for the heart of this people has become dull, and with their ears they scarcely hear, and they have closed their eyes lest they should see with their eyes, and hear with their ears, and understand with their heart and return, and I should heal them" (Matt. 13:13-15,NASB)

Let your ears hear and see. Let your eyes see and hear One of the greatest gifts you will ever give your partner is listening with your undivided. Remember the one who listens to you no matter what and how you say it. God is our model for listening. We may be imperfect in our skills, but He isn't let Him help you become a better listener. Remember, unless there is listening, there is no communication.

What is Forgiveness ?

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BEAR WITH EACH OTHER AND FORGIVE WHATEVER GRIEVANCES YOU MAY HAVE AGAINST ONE ANOTHER. FORGIVE AS THE LORD FORGAVE YOU.

Colossians 3:13

Many marriages are gradually eroded and eventually destroyed because one person is unable to forgive. A person who continually brings up something hurtful his spouse did or said in the past that was hurtful..continues to punish the other person and erects a wall of indifference and coldness. If we know Jesus Christ as savior, we have experienced God's forgiveness. Because we are in Christ, we have the capacity to forgive ourselves and thus are enabled to forgive others.

Forgiveness is not forgetting. God constructed you in such a way that your brain resembles a giant computer. Whatever has happened to you is stored in your memory. the remembrance will always be with you. There are, however, two different ways of remembering. One is to recall the offense or hurt in such a way that it continues to eat away and bother you so that the hurt remains. Another way of remembering, however, simply yes, "Yes that happened. I know it did, but it no longer effects me. It's a fact history, yet it has no emotional significance or effect. It is there, but we are progressing onward at this time and I am not hindered nor is our relationship hurt by that event." This is, in a sense, forgetting. The fact remains, but it no longer entangles you in its tentacles of control.

Forgiveness is not pretending. You cannot ignore the fact that an event occurred. Wishing it never happened will not make it go away. What has been done is done. Becoming a martyr and pretending ignorance of the event does not help the relationship. In fact, your lack of confrontation and reconciliation may encourage the other person to continue or repeat the same act or behavior. Forgiveness is not a feeling. It is a clear and logical action on your part. It is not a soothing, comforting, overwhelming emotional response that erases the fact from your memory forever.

Forgiveness takes place when love accepts deliberately the hurts and abrasions of life and drops all charges against the other when both of you know he or she done something unacceptable. Forgiveness is smiling silent love to your partner when the justifications for keeping an insult or injury alive are on the tip of your tongue, yet you swallow them. Not because you have tp, to keep peace, but because you want to, to make peace.

Forgiveness is not acceptance given "on condition" that the other become acceptable, Forgiveness is given freely. Out of the keen awareness that the forgiver also has a need of constant forgiveness daily. forgiveness exercises God's strength to love and receives the other person without any assurance of complete restitution and making of amends.

Forgiveness is a relationship between equals who recognize their need of each other, share and share alike. Each needs the others forgiveness. Each needs the others acceptance. Each needs the other. And so before God, each drops all charges, refuse all self justification, and forgives. Seventy times seven. As Jesus said.

Your Partner is a Gift..

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EVERY GOOD AND PERFECT GIFT IS FROM ABOVE, COMING DOWN FROM THE FATHER OF THE HEAVENLY LIGHTS, WHO DOES NOT CHANGE LIKE SHIFTING SHADOWS.
James 1:17

Marriage is a gift. You may be the finest gift your partner has ever received! Your partner may be the finest gift you have received. A gift is an item that is selected with care and consideration. its purpose is to bring delight and fulfillment to another, an expression of deep feeling on the part of the giver. Think of the care and effort you put into selecting a gift. You wonder what the recipient would enjoy. What will bring him or her delight? What will bring happiness? What will make his or her day bright and cheery? What will show the person the extent of your feeling for him or her and how much the person means to you?

Because you want this gift to be special and meaningful, you spend time thinking about what gift to select. Then you begin the search through various stores and shops, considering and rejecting several items until the right one beckons to you and you make a selection. You invest time wraping the gift. You think of how best to present it to the person so his or her delight and pleasure will be heightened.

Excitement and a challenge is involved in selecting and presenting a special gift. You not only have given the object, but you also have given your time and energy. Gifts that are often appreciated the most are not those that are the most expensive, but those that reflect the investment of yourself in considering the desires and wants of the other person. The way you present it and your sacrifice also make a gift special. You are a gift to your partner. If you consider yourself a gift, how will you live so your partner believes he or she has been given a special gift? Will you invest your time, thought and energy in your spouse? will your partner experience delight, fulfillment and a feeling of being special? How can you, as a gift, be used in the life of your spouse to lift his or her sprits and outlook on life?

On the receiving end of the gift, how do you react when you receive a special gift that brings you delight? think of your childhood years. What was the most exciting or special gift your ever received? Can you remember your thoughts and feelings as you received that gift? how did you treat that gift? Did you take special care of it and protect it from harm and loss? Perhaps you gave the gift a special place of prominence and were carefully possessive of it. If your spouse is a special gift to you, how will you treat this gift? will you be careful you give your partner the finest care, attention, protection and place of prominence in your life? will your partner feel as thought he or she really is a gift to you?

A gift is given as an expression of our love. It is not based on whether the recipient deserves it or not. our giving of a gift is actually an act of grace. Why not talk about how you can be a gift to one another?